Growing Into More
by Jenex
Summary: Shimura Tae realizes her mistakes as she looks back. As her heart grows lonely a hand reaches out to her. Short story of maturing.


**This is a short story (and the first one I'll publish, so bear with me) because I wanted to experiment with the characters. Moreover, with Shimura Tae. I tried to picture her future with a man by her side and the only way I can see her appreciate him (like he deserves) is this. To mature.  
**

* * *

 _I don't want to see them._

It started with a simple thing. The thought slipped into the mind of Shimura Tae before she could stop it.

Jealousy is a petty thing, she used to think. She was too smart to fall into the trap of jealousy. If she wanted something, she'd just take it. Woman who couldn't pursue what they desired were weak.

Oh, the bittersweet irony.

Shimura Tae had seen the expression of the silver haired man as he wrapped his arms around the scarred woman and whispered something in her ear when he thought no-one could see them. Shimura Tae saw how her face lightened up with a slight blush.

 _I don't think I can see her anymore._

Initially Shimura Tae herself didn't understand where the thoughts came from. They were good friends. Why on earth wouldn't she want to see someone who is her friend ?

The blonde woman was beautiful. No-one would deny that. She behaved with an integrity that the brunette would never be able to imitate.

 _Wait, imitate ? Why would I want to imitate her ?_

Shimura Tae asked herself that as she watched them enter their garden again and again. It was a green garden. Open. He once mentioned that he always liked gardens. In a casual tone. He never expected anything to come of it. But, she. _She_. That woman.

The girl felt something pull at her heartstrings as she observed the couple. She didn't expect it to hurt so much. Why would envy touch her heart ?

When the woman found a house with a garden, between Kabukichou and Yoshiwara, she bought it.

 _She bought_ _him a house with a garden._

Shimura Tae remembered the look on his face as he told the Yorozuya what she did for him. One hand behind his neck and a huge grin. They couldn't believe him. No-one believed him. He had to spell it out three times before her brother and the yato girl believed him. Her little sister-figure accused the lazy samurai of misusing the moons kindness and money. Her brother cried in despair. Something about how a lazy bum like him was rewarded with a woman like her and how life wasn't fair. When the lazy bum retaliated with how he finally got treated the way he deserved her brother gave up the argument. The only thing he said further was that he better treasure her like no-one else.

But Shimura Tae noticed. When it was about the lazy bum she found herself able to read his expressions and his thoughts with ease as time passed. The lazy bum had a hard time believing himself that he deserved the treatment. The hint of disbelief on his face behind his slight blush and proud grin as he told them still burned in her mind.

Hidden behind her smile Shimura Tae fought with thoughts that slipped into her mind without her permission as she watched their love for each other grow with each passing day. She never was one to show her real feelings. No-one who looked at her would suspect her internal conflict.

 _How can a woman like her be jealous of another woman ?_

She knew, however. Shimura Tae knew. She knew.

When the woman met the white-haired samurai she recognized the person hidden behind his apathetic facade. In less than five minutes the woman fell in synchronization with him. In less than two encounters she fell in love with him. And when they finally got married, she accepted him. His lazy attitude. His drinking habits. His Jump addiction. Even his gambling as long as it was his own money. His eyes that looked like dead fish. The woman managed to accept him wholeheartedly, flaws and all, and the woman radiating an aura like the moon still asked herself every day how she could ever be worthy of the soul he carried.

It was her acceptance of him that changed him as the clock ticked time away. The desire to do more for her. It was a slow change, gradually. Like a whisper in autumn. But he became such a _fine_ man at her side.

And the girl watched it happen. Side by side they changed each other. Grew into more.

Shimura Tae always wanted more. Believed she deserved more. Expected more. So when that lazy samurai walked into her life she didn't deem him worthy of her. The only time she ever got flustered was when he wasn't acting as himself.

Only when it was too late, when there was no chance of turning back the time, she reevaluated her choices. The question she asked herself was painful. It was the reason why she admired the scarred woman against her will and treasured her as a friend. It was the reason she realized that she still had much to learn.

 _If I had accepted him before he met her... would I have been able to make him happy ?_

A part of her, the part that was slowly maturing, hesitated to answer. She might have loved him, yes. He might have loved her, yes. But what else could she have offered him ? Could she have provided him a home ? Would she have been able to accept his apathetic attitude ? Wouldn't she have tired him out with her high expectations ? Wouldn't she have scared him away eventually ? Would he have looked at her with that same sparkle in his eyes as he looked at his blonde woman ? Would he have given her the same special smile he now only had reserved for his moon ? Would she... have been enough... ?

As all those questions, all those insecurities, clouded the mind of Shimura Tae a hand had, surprisingly soft, covered hers.

She looked up. Into the warm, comforting, knowing smile of a gorilla.

 _How are gorillas capable of such an expression ?_

Kondo Isao had kissed her hand with such affection that the mind of Shimura Tae got clear again and the heart of Shimura Tae grew warm again.

Even when she had told him what she felt growing inside her, the feelings of uneasiness, insecurities and doubts, he didn't falter. The kind but firm man told her he knew about her heart. He said he thought better of her. He believed she didn't give herself enough credit. And to top it off. He said it was why he fell in love with her.

Shimura Tae smiled again. She let him guide her back to the others. To the white haired man who played with his food. To the blonde woman who learned how to relax her guard around her friends. To the Glasses who told the samurai to eat his food properly. (Wait, where is her brother ?!) To the red haired girl who played with the purple hair of a ninja. To her precious Yagyu Kyuubei who asked her a question with her eyes which she returned with a nod. And many more of her friends.

How someone like him could still love someone like her even after she confessed the conflict in her heart was a mystery to her. How someone like him accepted someone like her with all of her flaws caused her a headache. But above all - how someone like him treated someone like her with such tenderness was unbearably moving. One thing she knew for sure.

She held his huge hand tight and thanked him with a squeeze. He answered back with another squeeze.

 _I will treasure this man as long as I live._

* * *

 **Shimura Tae isn't kind. She's selfish, prideful and insecure. Even somewhat psychotic as she uses violence on everyone to show her dominance with a cute smile. (There is a list on Wiki of her victims, LOL) It took me a long time to appreciate her character. Only when I understood that violence shouldn't be taken too serious in Gintama (I think Gorilla-sensei is a masochist deep down), I stopped disliking her. Frankly, I have a growing suspicion they let her. If she really meant to harm some wouldn't have allowed that to happen to others. Someone would have stopped her. Even though she's eighteen years old Shimura Tae's still immature and insecure. All she wants is not to be overshadowed by those [men] who surround her. (Well, this is how I interpret her.)**

 **I still don't believe she deserves Gintoki. There just wouldn't be anything interesting about their relationship, except the brother-sisterbond. I do want to see her grow however as a decent human being. Shimura Tae isn't that smart. She's not dumb either, but okay. Kondo-san might be the only one who'll ever be able to see through her facade. (He's also the only one who's interested in her, sorry Kyuubei, you don't count.)**

 **Hijikata is not an option to me. He will _never_ fall for a woman as violent as her. (Mitsuba, please come back.)**

 **Leave a review if you please. I'm curious as to what others think of her. :)**


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